Survivor

Mom: Sarah, how would you answer this question we had for a team building exercise at work today: if you were stranded on a desert island, which 3 people would you like to have with you, and which 3 books would you want to have?

Me: Hmmmm... Well, ideally, I would like to have 3 friendly island natives there with me. But in case there are no people on the island already, I would need Keith there because he would be able to teach the rest of us how to build shelter out of grass and spit, how to build fire, how to catch fish with our teeth, and other essential survival skills. I would also like to have a medical doctor, preferably an experienced general practitioner, for obvious reasons.

And the third person I would like to have might be Martha Stewart, because if I'm going to be stranded indefinitely, at least between the two of us we'll be stranded in style.

As far as books... perhaps if there is a Desert Island for Dummies, that would be good. Or if not, then a field guide to equatorial plants and animals. Maybe a sketch book.

Mom: That's a good one--a lot of people said cookbooks and word search books.

Me: However, a cookbook is only good if you have pots and pans and an oven and a stove. And of course a set of spices.

A small farm.

Some livestock.

Mom: That's true--funny --they had them on Gilligan's Island--quit doing that--I can't type and laugh at the same time.

Me: Maybe a complete course in Italian or Polish or Russian or something. A word search would get boring after a while, and a crossword puzzle would just piss me off if I couldn't look stuff up on the Internet. So I figure I could learn another language.

Or if not a complete course in Italian, maybe a book on government so that I could establish my own system of government on the island and create a self-sustaining little country. Then, when we were finally discovered, as all self-sustaining little countries inevitably are, I would declare our sovereignty, bust out with the badass little military we've created for this sort of thing (if necessary), and become a member of the UN. Yeah-- scratch the complete course in Italian.

Mom: Sure, you could make up your own language.

Me: YEEESSSS! MAKE UP MY OWN LANGUAGE!

Mom: We also had to say what tool we would bring with us. Most people said a saw or matches.

Me: I agree with Keith that all you would need is a machete; that way you would have something for Keith or Martha to hunt with, something to carve wooden tools with, something for self-defense against crazy wild animals that want to gobble you up, something to crack open coconuts and other delicious fruits, a way to cut down trees, clear paths, etc.

Thank you, I feel very prepared now for when someone comes up to me and says, "you're about to be stranded on this desert island," I'll know who to call and what to buy before I go.

I didn't tell you Jen B asked if I would be willing to get ordained online so that I could marry her and Dave, did I?