Me and my X

I did not vote today. I was not allowed to participate in the Maryland primaries because I am not affiliated with a political party. But I did fully realize my supreme love of voting. Voting is exciting business. I love to vote. I wear my "I voted!" sticker for days. Power. Control. The fate of the nation--the ENTIRE COURSE OF HISTORY--rests (in part) with me and my X.

So it was troubling today, the powerlessness I felt, as I stood by in our local voting center and watched enviously as Keith voted. We spent the last few days researching and watching speeches and debates together, trying to decide which candidate he should vote for. But in that moment, the decision was out of my hands. My opinion, my choice, no longer mattered. It was up to Keith, as he remained undecided up until the point where he finally chose a candidate--or none. I dare not ask. I find voting a deeply personal experience, and for me, asking one for whom he or she voted is akin to asking how much money one makes in a year or what color underwear one is wearing. If you choose to share your candidate of choice with me, fine. But I won't ask and I probably won't volunteer the same information about myself, because frankly it's none of your damn business, even if we voted the same. And besides, finding out that a close friend voted for the candidate who stands against your most passionate beliefs--however open-minded we all might be--inevitably brings a little fog of awkwardness that whispers in undertones, "I guess we don't really know each other after all," and leaves behind a filmy sense of violation and betrayal as if you've just discovered she's been sleeping with your husband, or she thinks that celadon and violet is a truly beautiful and not at all nausea-inducing color combination.

Anyway, not getting to vote for the first time since I came of age can only be described as devastating and part of me is ready to run out and update my voter registration so that four years from now I won't have to endure the same disappointment. But then I remember that I'm unaffiliated by choice. I'm a wild card. Mysterious. Exciting. Which way will she go? Nobody knows. You'll have to work hard for this one.